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Note: The following information was obtained through the mind-boggling and time-consuming task consisting of about 30 seconds of research (done by some lady at the library, not me) and me making up most of this crap. Just in case you care, the true info has been highlighted in bold.

Waffles have been around since at least Greek times .
On August 24, 1869 Cornelius Swarthout got the first patent for a waffle iron in the U.S.

Well I am glad that's over! Ok, on with the fake stuff.

The waffle has been around for quite a while. Like many things, the waffle was invented quite by accident by primitive man. In the olden days, much of the wanted goods (like food and cloths, and, on occasion, heroine) were obtained through peaceful negotiations and bartering. However, much more of it was obtained by bigger monkey-men smashing smaller monkey-men in the head with clubs, and screeching like rabid Michael Jacksons. (monkey-man is a scientific term meaning "man that looks like a monkey" - note for the Politically Correct: I wrote this in high school, long before I was educated in the race relations course called College. The use of the phrase "monkey-man" is in no way intended to be racist, it simply refers to primitive man. So don't get yourself all pissed off and email me and then kick my ass. I love all people. Except meat-eaters). Then these primitive men (and women, no sexism either) would promptly eat their victims brains. Now you may be saying "Boy, I would love to see a movie of this, but what the heck does it have to do with waffles?"

Well, let me be the first to say it does make a great movie, and it's called The First half-hour of 2001: A Space Odyssey. And I'm getting to the waffle part.

So anyhow, they ate their brains. But first they would take out their brains and smash them into patties. And since their clubs had spikes, bumps, knots, and lumps on them, they often made little indentations in the brain patties. This act eventually got painted on cave walls. The archaeologists who found the paintings assumed the cavemen were eating a flour cake with indentations in them. They went home and attempted to replicate these patties using big bumpy clubs. Hence the waffle was born. And the brain patties went on to become the secret recipe for McDonald's quarter pounder.

And as you read above (in the true section) Saint Cornelius (the greatest American patriot ever) got the patent for the waffle iron on August 24th, 1869. So on that date every year, I urge all of you to celebrate by picking up a club and whacking your friend in the head and then eating his/her brain. Put it the waffle iron before you eat it (hey, what's technology for?).

UPDATE: Alert reader Daniel Steven Mayer has informed me that early Dutch settlements in the Delaware area first introduced waffles to America. In the spirit of this, I ask you all to write the president and ask him to give The United States of America to the Dutch. Or just make a waffle shrine and carry signs around that read "Dutch Supermen are our superiors! Worship them or forever be damned!". I made my sign during Sunday school.

For a much more complete and accurate (maybe) history of the waffle click here